Is There a Twelve Step Program for This?

I was unpacking from my trip and putting things away when it dawned on me that I have a problem. I was only gone for a couple of nights so I just had a small carry-on bag. After emptying it of clothes, toiletries and TSA inspected dirty underwear what was left in the bottom was the evidence that opened my eyes.

Taunting me from the bottom of that bag were the objects of my obsession. Bottles of hotel shampoo, conditioner, and skin lotion, and bars of hotel soap. The realization hit me when I brought them into the bathroom to put them away. Under the vanity resides one of those plastic laundry bags also taken from a hotel in which my booty is kept. When I picked it up it felt like it weighed about eight pounds and two thoughts hit me. The first was, damn I've been traveling alot. The second, I think I might have a problem.

Whenever I check into a hotel I immediately begin to plan my strategy to get as many as I possibly can in the time I have. I start by putting aside one bar of soap and one bottle of shampoo to use. Then the rest goes into my suitcase, completely out of sight of the maid. I try to make the bar and bottle I'm using last as long as I can and everyday when the maid leaves a fresh supply, into the suitcase it goes. I can't help myself. The stuff is like crack. If I'm walking down the hall of the hotel and there's an unattended housekeeping cart it's all I can do to keep walking. I tell myself that there's no challenge in simply raiding the cart. I must play the game with the maid for it to bring satisfaction. We must dance our little dance of supplier and addict. When the quality of the hotel and thus the quality of the merchandise goes up so too does the desire. The spa quality stuff is a huge score but it's also the hardest to get a lot of. The maids are stingy with it. The bargain level stuff is easy to get but doesn't bring as much of a high. The absolute worst are the hotels that have dispensers of liquid soap, shampoo and conditioner mounted in the shower. I have to force myself to stay. Of course in those cases (which are rare) it's also a practical matter. It gets a little frustrating having to pump the stupid button a hundred and twelve times to get enough shampoo to wash your hair. At least that's what I tell myself.

On this trip because I wasn't checking any bags the thought occurred to me that I may have a problem with TSA bringing all those little bottles through airport security. I mean, my god, I didn't have a one quart ziplock bag. And if I did would they all fit? Even that didn't stop me from taking those tiny little devils along for the ride. And the Denver airport was there for me, ready to encourage my habit. They provide free ziplock bags! And a table where you can repackage your liquids and gels. The BASTARDS!

I do try to make some good come of my obsession. When we packed up our house before moving from Florida I discovered there were two full drawers in the bathroom full of bounty. They filled at least two grocery store shopping bags. My wife could only shake her head. It turns out that women's shelters are happy to take these items as donations and that's what we did with them.

Then of course I immediately began to rebuild my supply.

They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step. I think I need help. I wonder if that place where David Duchovney is being treated for his sex addiction has any openings. And if they have free toiletries in the rooms.