Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Daddy's Rules for Dating My Daughter

I got a comment on an old post yesterday from a fellow father of daughters. For some reason it reminded me of these rules so I went and dug them up. I didn't write them and if I could credit the person who did I would but I have no idea who he is. I think they've been around since the days when jokes circulated through the office via Xerox rather than email. For fathers of daughters they are timeless.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


Anonymous said...

I am so glad I have boys!

Even happier that I didn't have you as a father....I would have never gotten laid!

Mike said...

It was tough with daughters (2 of them) but in the end I knew that if all else failed I could just get them on "The Pill" and be done with it. Well at least be done with worrying about a premature pregnancy. With my son though (now 17) I had no such Pill option. It has been a worry knowing that birth control is in his hands.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Prepon, you're one of the ones shooting all those troublesome boys!

Mike, it's noce to see you concerned about your son instead of having the "that's my boy" attitude that I've seen so often. I'm sure you did fine.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Prepon, that's "out", "shooting out". I'm the one shooting :-).

Hungry Mother said...

I know a guy that somehow talked his daughter into wearing a short-cropped brush cut until her third year in college. This kept the boys away.

moooooog35 said...

My rules:

1) When you come to date my daughter, you are required to be of the male persuasion. Not that there's anything wrong with lesbianism, but when I picture lesbians when I masturbate, I do NOT want my daughter anywhere in that mix.

2) If you come to my door wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day, or your hat is on sideways, I will kill you.

3) I've been training my younger son the art of the painful, slow kill just for instances such as to avoid jailtime for myself. You've been warned.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

HM, I heard advice somewhere once that said to not potty train your daughters. That way you'll never have to worry about them dating.

M, interesting rules. I particularly like #2, specifically regarding the hat. Hat etiquette needs to be resurrected.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

what about girls wanting to date your daughters? you left that out. in my experience of womanizing, i've found that parents tend to like it when their daughters are fond of other chicks. it totally take the pregnancy thing out of the equation.

Colonel Colonel said...

I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Words to live by.

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