Thursday, April 30, 2009

Call HER a Band Geek. Go Ahead, I Dare Ya.

"...The girl punched one of the men in the nose, kicked the other in the groin and beat both with her large baton before she ran away on Friday morning, officials said..."

This is my favorite part:

"...Deputies searched near Quartz Hill High School for the muggers, looking for a man who was holding his bloodied nose and the other limping..."

Yeah girl!

Can you get this martial arts/self-defense manual on Amazon?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Clap if you believe in...flying dogs

Okay. What can you do with a headline like this:

Gone with the wind: Chihuahua blown away

It seems that six-pound Tinkerbell (really) was picked up and blown away by a 70 mile per hour gust of wind.

(Cue superhero music)

But wait! There's no need to fear. With the aid of a pet psychic (REALLY), little Tinkerbell's owners found her in a wooded area a mile from her home. She was dirty and scared to death but otherwise unharmed.

The puppy is safe and sound AND I got to do an image search for Tinkerbell. All's well that ends well. Come on, you know that little cartoon fairy is hot.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Take a Five Minute Break and "Stand by Me"

One of my oldest and dearest friends sent this link to me (thanks Jim!). It requires no introduction other than to say, stop for a few minutes and enjoy.

Note: I'm having trouble getting the embedded video to show up so if for some unexplained reason the video isn't working, just click on the link below it. Thanks.

Friday, March 27, 2009

A Safe and Healthy Honeymoon

Being a health & safety professional I feel it is incumbent upon me to pass along important information that can keep you safe, not just at work but in all areas of your lives. For this reason I'd like to touch on a hazardous situation that many of us take for granted. Often we are ignorant of or outright choose to disregard the dangers of this insidious threat. The activity I'm referring to is...the Honeymoon.

Yes. I said Honeymoon.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have published a "Healthy Bride" feature on their website. Those of you planning a wedding should read this. If you have friends or loved ones who are in the stressful process of planning a wedding, share this link. The document is brief but full of valuable information that could get a marriage started without injury or illness. As an example, the experts at CDC have this to say about preparing for your honeymoon:

"Whether it's by car, plane, train, ship or foot, take steps to stay safe and healthy during your honeymoon. Plan ahead. To lower your risk for illness and injury, check health scores for cruise ships; learn about common diseases for the area if traveling abroad; get vaccinations; and pack and use sunscreen, insect repellent, and appropriate safety gear for activities (such as helmets, life jackets, and knee pads)."

(Hey, I'm just sayin'.)

If you don't believe me, click on the link and read it for yourself.

What the CDC does not say is that this is also an excellent time in your relationship to practice open and honest communication skills with your spouse-to-be. Ladies, in order to avoid any later misunderstandings or problems you should have a discussion about realistic expectations, anticipated activities, what you are packing in preparation for those activities and why. The reason for this is simple. If a guy about to go on his honeymoon walks past his wife-to-be as she's packing and sees helmets, life jackets, and knee pads there will likely be one of two reactions.

  1. He's going to get REALLY excited

  2. He's going to get REALLY nervous

Number 1 could lead to unrealistic expectations (okay, maybe they're not unrealistic - go you!), misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Number 2 could lead to unrealistic expectations, misunderstandings and hurt feelings, and performance anxiety. Either situation should be avoided during one's honeymoon and for that matter during one's marriage.

So folks, remember to include what happens beyond the actual wedding day in the planning and preparation. And NEVER forget the importance of communication before, during and after the wedding. It can up your chances of not only still being together 25 years from now but of still needing to pack helmets, life jackets, and knee pads...if you know what I mean.

Have a safe, healthy, and very happy wedding, honeymoon, and life together. And pack appropriately.

Friday, March 6, 2009

A New Blog and a Worthy Cause

I recently stumbled on a new blog and blogger (new to me) and thought I'd share. Her name is Janiece Murphy and the blog is Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men. Janiece is a veteran of the US Navy living in Colorado and she uses foul language. As she says in her bio "That's right - I've got the F-Bomb, and I'm not afraid to use it". You like her already don't you? Her blog is where I discovered (and stole) the biblical morals quiz.

Janiece has some recurring features on her blog with titles like: 'Tard of the Week, Conversations With Karma, What the Fuck is Wrong With These People?, and When Hillbillies Attack. You like her even more now doncha? The worthy cause I made mention of in the title is posted under her Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History section. Janiece clued me in to an organization called Jewish World Watch and specifically a woman named Rachel Andres who is the director of JWW's solar cooker project. Please follow the link to get the details but I'll summarize it by saying that through very simple and creative means, a Jewish woman is working to save the lives of Muslim women in Darfur. Could we please get the half of the population with dangly bits to sit down and take a break and let the women run things for a while? Please?

Thank you Rachael Andres and thank you Janiece.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Do You Have Biblical Morals?

Just a fun little quiz for a Friday afternoon. I already knew the results for this before I took it. I would've been really upset if it had turned out any other way. Have fun my fellow heathens and enjoy the weekend.

Your morality is 0% in line with that of the bible.

Damn you heathen! Your book learnin' has done warped your mind. You shall not be invited next time I sacrifice a goat.

Do You Have Biblical Morals?
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Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'm in an Award Winning Movie!

With the Academy Awards just around the corner and the buzz starting about who's going to win what now seems like the right time to tell you that I have appeared in an award winning film. Oh yes. Believe it. A little background.

The ladies over at (yeah, I love the name too) have written a book entitled "Beyond Heaving Bosoms, The Smart Bitches Guide to Romance Novels". It will be released soon and to promote it the SB's sponsored a contest. The task was to make a video in praise of their book.

Some of you may remember the Trash Talkin' video put together by my wife and the other ladies who were nominated for the Rita awards last June. Well, with a gauntlet such as the SB contest thrown before them how could they resist?

The short of it is, they entered, the winner was announced on Valentine's Day while I was frolicking and being fleeced in Atlantic City and guess who won. That's right, they did. My wife is in the video along with several other very talented writers, our daughter and even our dogs guest star, AND if you watch all the way through the credits you'll even get to see yours truly. Without further ado, get the popcorn and enjoy.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Dear Penthouse Forum...


...I spent Valentine's night in a hotel room in Atlantic City with my wife and two of her sisters.


You see, the one sister had a birthday last week and the other sister decided to take her to Atlantic City to gamble and celebrate. They then decided it would be a great idea for my wife and I to go with them. She already had a complimentary room reserved and it was plenty big enough for four. We thought, sure, why not.


I'll pause here to allow the mow-chicka-mow-mow soundtrack to play and your fantasies to run wild.


And now back to our regularly scheduled reality. If you refer to the picture above the tower on the right is where we slept, the tower on the left (Bally's) is where we lost our money. The fact is, neither my wife nor I are big gamblers. Not that it's not fun but being broke and all kinda hinders your ability to fully enjoy it. We limited ourselves to the absolute minimum we were willing to lose and as a result after about an hour or two in the casino we didn't really have much to do. So, while my sisters-in-law gambled Leslie and I went back to the room and celebrated Valentine's Day with an in room picnic and a bottle of wine. And the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door.

We were treated to an absolutely fabulous dinner by friends of my sister-in-law who frequent AC. Then it was back to the casino for them and back to the room for us. It wasn't too long before the gambling girls decided on an early night and returned to the room themselves. Bedtime. For the four of us. Anyone who has read this blog for a while will recall that I have sleep apnea and use a CPAP machine and mask at night. I decided to spare everyone the very annoying cycle of SNORE-SLIENCE-GASP by bringing the machine along. So there we were. Three beautiful women. And me. With a fighter pilot mask strapped to my head breathing like Darth Vader. Hot. Oh so hot.


I'll pause once again to allow the mow-chicka-mow-mow soundtrack to play and your fantasies to run wild.


And then it was morning. My sisters-in-law got up early to hit the blackjack tables again while Les and I took our time packing up. We joined them in the casino where they finally succeeded in talking Leslie into joining them at the table and giving blackjack a try. They felt sorry for me and gave me some money. Mainly I think it was because they didn't want me standing around behind them sucking all the luck out of the room. I went off to get us checked out of the room then I proceeded to donate the money I had just been given to the dealer at the Three Card Poker table. Julio was very grateful.

After cashing in their chips and a eating nice lunch we summoned our car from the valet and headed home. On the ride home I got to have a flash forward and see what my middle and youngest daughters will be like as adults. SHUT UP! NO, YOU SHUT UP! NO. YOU SHUT UP. Stop touching me. Stupid. I'm not stupid, bitch. Are we there yet?

I was also reminded just how much I love spending time with my wife and the sisters I always wanted.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Where am I? Who are you?

Jogging. A car approaching. Barking, snarling dogs. I...just...can't remember. It'sallablur. My god, what happened...where am I?

The last thing I remember is

And then I heard a car, a screech of tires, a thud. I was flying. I was looking at the sky. It's full of stars.

And then...and then the sound of a snarling, angry animal. I remember suddenly being attacked by an angry animal. It was...a

No, that's not right. It was a...

No. I don't think so.

YES! One of those.

And then it all went dark and I remember hearing voices and it seemed like a dream...

...But it wasn't a dream -- it was a place. And you -- and you -- and you -- and you were there. But you couldn't have been, could you? No, Aunt Em -- this was a real, truly live place. And I remember that some of it wasn't very nice...but most of it was beautiful. But just the same, all I kept saying to everybody was, I want to go home. *

And then I started to wake up. I was lying on a hard surface and I couldn't move my arms or legs. My face was covered with a blindfold. I heard screaming. A woman's voice. She kept saying "WAKE UP AND BLOG SOMETHING!!! BLOG SOMETHING DAMN YOU!!!" And then there was water on my face...and I couldn't breathe. I was struggling, trying to make it stop.

The blindfold shifted and I thought I caught a glimpse of isn't very clear but it looked like...beads?

I don't know. I can't be sure. I lost consciousness after that. The next thing I remember is waking up here. In front of the computer with my Blogger account open.

Man. That was crazy. Maybe I ought to lay off the spicy food before bed.

So, what's going on around here? How's everybody been?

*For some unexplained reason I started channeling Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.