Dear Penthouse Forum...

...I spent Valentine's night in a hotel room in Atlantic City with my wife and two of her sisters.

 

You see, the one sister had a birthday last week and the other sister decided to take her to Atlantic City to gamble and celebrate. They then decided it would be a great idea for my wife and I to go with them. She already had a complimentary room reserved and it was plenty big enough for four. We thought, sure, why not.

 

I'll pause here to allow the mow-chicka-mow-mow soundtrack to play and your fantasies to run wild.

 

And now back to our regularly scheduled reality. If you refer to the picture above the tower on the right is where we slept, the tower on the left (Bally's) is where we lost our money. The fact is, neither my wife nor I are big gamblers. Not that it's not fun but being broke and all kinda hinders your ability to fully enjoy it. We limited ourselves to the absolute minimum we were willing to lose and as a result after about an hour or two in the casino we didn't really have much to do. So, while my sisters-in-law gambled Leslie and I went back to the room and celebrated Valentine's Day with an in room picnic and a bottle of wine. And the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door.

We were treated to an absolutely fabulous dinner by friends of my sister-in-law who frequent AC. Then it was back to the casino for them and back to the room for us. It wasn't too long before the gambling girls decided on an early night and returned to the room themselves. Bedtime. For the four of us. Anyone who has read this blog for a while will recall that I have sleep apnea and use a CPAP machine and mask at night. I decided to spare everyone the very annoying cycle of SNORE-SLIENCE-GASP by bringing the machine along. So there we were. Three beautiful women. And me. With a fighter pilot mask strapped to my head breathing like Darth Vader. Hot. Oh so hot.

 

I'll pause once again to allow the mow-chicka-mow-mow soundtrack to play and your fantasies to run wild.

 

And then it was morning. My sisters-in-law got up early to hit the blackjack tables again while Les and I took our time packing up. We joined them in the casino where they finally succeeded in talking Leslie into joining them at the table and giving blackjack a try. They felt sorry for me and gave me some money. Mainly I think it was because they didn't want me standing around behind them sucking all the luck out of the room. I went off to get us checked out of the room then I proceeded to donate the money I had just been given to the dealer at the Three Card Poker table. Julio was very grateful.

After cashing in their chips and a eating nice lunch we summoned our car from the valet and headed home. On the ride home I got to have a flash forward and see what my middle and youngest daughters will be like as adults. SHUT UP! NO, YOU SHUT UP! NO. YOU SHUT UP. Stop touching me. Stupid. I'm not stupid, bitch. Are we there yet?

I was also reminded just how much I love spending time with my wife and the sisters I always wanted.

Coughing Through My Ears and Sexual Harrassment

I've been absent for a couple of days. Honestly I've been in kind of a fog. I've had a cold coming on for about the last week. Not a full blown cold but one of those annoying little ones that gives you just enough congestion to cause post nasal drip. You don't notice it so much during the day but when you lay down at night you start to cough. And cough. And cough.

I told you before that I have apnea and sleep with an embryonic Alien face-hugger strapped to my face but what I didn't tell you was that I also tape my mouth shut. Yes. Tape across the lips. Voluntarily. And no, my wife doesn't have anything to do with it. I started having problems with the air leaking out of my mouth during the night and when that happens the therapy goes right out with it. Now no doctor or therapist in his right mind will tell you to tape your mouth shut but when you're struggling with this goofy therapy you try whatever it takes to get some sleep so I started using paper medical tape and it actually worked pretty well. Until this week when I got a cold.

I think you see what's coming. There I am all strapped in and taped up and settling down for the night when it starts. A tiny little tickle in the back of my throat. Maybe it'll go away. cough. That wasn't so bad. Okay tickle's gone. Ah. cough cough. Damn. Alright, I can control this. I'll cough will myself cough cough to not

COUGH!!!

WTF!!???!!!

Have you ever tried coughing with air blowing up your nose and your mouth taped shut? I don't recommend it. Not unless you're really desperate to see what the three smallest bones in the human body look like - you know - the ones in your middle ear. Holy crap.

Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping well the last few nights. I tried to remedy that by buying a big bottle of NyQuil and doing a double shot before bed. It has helped. I did get some sleep. Unfortunately it also has left me (as I said in the beginning) a bit foggy in the morning.

That's one reason I haven't been here to write. The other is that I spent all day Thursday and will spend all day today in training at work. Employment Law for Federal Managers taught by a couple of government lawyers. Now isn't that the perfect topic for a sleep deprived guy with a NyQuil hangover? Most of today was spent covering performance improvement plans and sexual harassment.

Um. Those two subjects weren't directly related, though it might've livened up the class a bit. Can't wait to see what we get into today.

Quick question. Does anybody else think this headline is stupid?

Britney Spears displaying mental issues?

Gee, maybe they could do a story titled "Does the Pope display religious tendencies?".

'Ello, My Name Is Bruce and I Am a Hose Head

'Ello Bruce...

I mentioned last week that had to strap a CPAP contraption on my head before I went to sleep and I promised I'd explain.

I have Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA). Sleep apnea in general is defined as a condition characterized by episodes of stopped breathing during sleep. Obstructive sleep apnea occurs when the soft tissues in your throat relax and close off your airway. Sounds like a lot of fun doesn't it? It's a shame I'm asleep and missing it.

It all started out with snoring. It was occasional (I think) and not terribly loud. Then it progressively got worse. I wasn't quite keeping my wife from falling asleep but if she woke up for some reason and I was sawing wood, well, let's say she had a hard time going back to sleep. Then it got to the point where she started wearing earplugs to bed. Eventually she told me she was (sort of) getting used to the snoring but it was the absence of snoring that was really starting to bother her. WHAT? I can't win. She explained that I'd be snoring along for a while then all of a sudden I would stop breathing. There would be silence for a long time then I'd gasp for air and start breathing again. I told her maybe she should stop holding that pillow over my face. She wasn't amused. I asked how long she waited and watched before I started breathing and if she considered maybe, I don't know, shaking me or something. She was even less amused. I had a medical appoint scheduled for another issue and I promised I would bring it up.

I mentioned the situation to the doctor and he gave me a referral to a sleep specialist. The sleep specialist had me go for a sleep study. For those of you that don't know what a sleep study is, it's when you go to a strange place where strange people you've never met show you to a strange room and tell you to change into a hospital gown. Then they take you to a room and glue electrodes all over your head, chest and legs, they stick a couple probes up your nose, wrap a band around your chest, and clip a pulse-ox meter to your finger. Then they take you back to the room where they hook all the electrodes and wires to a box on the wall. They tell you to get into bed, which is about the time you notice the video camera on the wall pointing at the bed, and they say "make yourself comfortable and have a good night's sleep, I'll be in around 5:30 AM to wake you up". Then you spend the rest of the night tangled in wires feeling like Frodo after Shelob got him in the spiderweb.

The sleep study found that I had moderate sleep apnea. I stopped breathing an average of 23 times an hour. The doctor discussed treatment options and we decided on using CPAP which stands for Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. Then he sent me for another sleep study. Oh for Chrissakes! This time the study is called a Titration. It's when they determine the optimal flow rate of air that will keep your airway open. I don't know how it was possible but the second time was far worse than the first. The results of the study indicated that I slept three hours out of the eight that I was there but somehow they managed to get enough data. Then I got to take the doctor's prescription to a Durable Medical Equipment (DME) supplier to get my CPAP equipment and instructions for use.

I was fitted for a CPAP interface, more commonly referred to as a mask, that is strapped to my head and connected by a hose to the CPAP machine which supplies air to the mask.

Here's my machine being modeled by little Mikey:

Here's the interface I've been using since I started therapy six months ago as modeled by Wayne:

And this is what it felt like during the first couple of weeks of treatment:

Eventually, I did begin to get used to it and really did start to sleep more or less normally. Some nights are better than others but I have started to feel better during the day. It's not a dramatic difference but I really noticed on the mornings after the one or two times I slept without the CPAP. I woke up feeling hungover - and I hadn't been drinking. The hardest part is getting used to it because you spend your whole life just going to bed. Now you have to get all this crap ready and don your gear before you can settle in. It sort of kills spontaneity and it makes you look really really sexy. It's also rather daunting to think that this is a condition that's not going away and that the CPAP is a treatment, not a cure. There are mornings, like today, when you get up after a particularly bad night and think that you just can't do this another night. But you do. It's not the best treatment to have to live with, in fact I frequently think that it involves smoke and mirrors and black magic. The whole education, patient information, doctor, DME, and insurance situation is more often than not extremely frustrating and is set up to prevent the patient from having control over their own treatment. Right now, it's the best thing available.

Talking to others that are dealing with this condition really helps and there is a discussion forum that has been particularly supportive. The people at CPAPTALK.COM have been absolutely amazing and I honestly don't know that I would still be doing this without them. All joking aside, Sleep Apnea is a very serious condition that can lead to high blood pressure and other cardiovascular disease such as stroke and heart attack, memory problems, weight gain, impotency, and headaches as well as job impairment and motor vehicle crashes.

Information can be found at the American Sleep Apnea Association and by search the internet. I'd also be happy to answer questions if I can.