I Have a Penknife...

...therefore I am educated.

But not always real bright.

Friday March 7th. A day like any other day. Normally I have every other Monday off but since my birthday was this past weekend I arranged to take my day off on Friday so I'd have a three day weekend. I got to sleep in, wake up next to my beautiful wife and have a relaxed day of pampering. Later in the day we decided to venture out to run errands one of which involved going to Lowes home warehouse so I could pick out a new shop-vac. While there we also picked up a few other things like gardening supplies to get ready for Spring, and a new dog gate.

Since we got the ShihTzupoop for Christmas we've tried to keep her in the kitchen and family room which are non-carpeted. From this area there are two primary routes of escape. There's a doorway of normal width which goes to the dining room and a much wider doorway which goes to the entrance foyer and front door. We had one kiddie/doggie gate of normal size which functions quite well at the dining room checkpoint however we've had to improvise at the other wider, and much more heavily traveled route. This improvised barrier consisted of the ironing board (which is rarely used for its intended purpose and happily volunteered for service) laying across the doorway and backed by various other objects like a suitcase and a cardboard box. It looked remarkably like this:



The new gate is much more practical since, in addition to being wider, it actually mounts in place and has a hinged gate that opens and closes with relative ease. It is also tall enough and sturdy enough to hold back the hounds of hell so it has the added benefit of being able to keep the puppy contained should she suddenly sprout wings and fly. Here it is post installation:



So there I am on Friday evening back home from the adult-male-toystore. I'm standing in my kitchen and I decide that I'm going to put up the new gate. I remove all the pieces-parts from the package and realize that the actual gate portions of the pieces-parts are secured together presumably to keep them from rattling around in the box. They are secured together with nylon zip ties. I suppose someone at the factory thought that in the event the gate parts got high on PCP and went on a crime rampage the police would be saved a step by having them pre-handcuffed. Naturally I did what any educated (male) person who just returned form the home warehouse would do. I took out my trusty penknife.

Now here's that part where I have to issue the obligatory warning. I am a health & safety professional. I have been trained and train others to perform their work safely. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME.

Taking the penknife in my left hand and holding the gate in my right I sliced through that nylon tie wrap like it was butter. In fact the knife went through that thing so fast that it was embedded in my right hand before I ever knew what happened. It took about a half a second for two things to occur. 1) For me to register that I was cut, and 2) For the blood to start flowing like a freakin' river from the vein I hit. My middle daughter was standing there when it happened and when the blood came I'm not sure who's eyes went bigger hers or mine.



Fortunately I'm a former Emergency Medical Technician and I remembered the training. I put direct pressure on the wound, first with my bare thumb, then with a now ruined dish towel. I asked my daughter to get the first aid kit and took the opportunity to show her how to apply a proper pressure dressing. Then my wife and I had some quality alone time on a Friday night in the Emergency Room.

I actually make it sound worse than it was. I caught myself in the fleshy part of my hand between the thumb and forefinger. Since it was a stab rather than a slice the actual cut wasn't very long. But like I said, I did get a vein so because of that and the location it wasn't going to close by itself. It needed two stitches. And of course the always fun tetanus shot.

And the moral of this story is...

Though you may be educated, you may not always be smart. Or...the sign of an educated man is pointed but so is a dunce cap.

And Twelve Hours Later the Answer Is...

...I don't know.

That's basically how yesterday went at the Emergency Room. My youngest daughter got sick on Monday morning at school with what appeared to be some sort of virus. Fever, vomiting, etc. She still had the fever on Tuesday and started complaining about a pain in her lower abdomen. My wife took her to the doctor yesterday morning. After three hours there they thought it was probably a virus but she could have appendicitis and they couldn't run the blood test that could confirm it there. "Just go to the ER. We'll phone ahead and let them know. You'll be in and out in no time." So my wife took her to the ER. They got there at noon. I left work early and got there at 5:15. I had it easy. We got home last night at 11PM. The ER was an absolute zoo. There was no full moon last night but today is a new moon so maybe that had something to do with it. Of course the fact that we were lucky enough to go to the ER on the day they rolled out their new computer system didn't help. Hospital ER's also operate on a different time scale than the rest of the world. You have to remember to do the conversions. 30 minutes = 2 hours, as in "we should have the results in 30-45 minutes". It's the same conversion factor that the airlines use.

They couldn't draw blood at first because she was dehydrated from being sick and they couldn't find a vein. Finally they got her stuck and started an IV. Blood tests, urinalysis, a CAT scan, two doctors and almost twelve hours (not counting the two at the doctors office) later they discharged her and we went home. Still not knowing what the problem was. We did however confirm that it wasn't appendicitis and she had the benefit of about eight hours of IV fluids to rehydrate her. For that it was worth it. Better safe than sorry with your kids. But boy oh boy what a system.