Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Health and Safety Czar

I've mentioned before that I am a health and safety professional. One aspect of my job is to protect workers from exposure to chemicals and other airborne agents. One of the ways we do that is to have the worker wear appropriate respiratory protection, that is, a respirator mask with the proper filtration media. I evaluate the potential exposure, select the respirator and filters, train the employee and ensure a proper fit for the mask on the employee's face.

I also have a background in biology and have worked in a biological containment laboratory with a variety of biological weapons agents such as Anthrax.

Because of my background I believe that I am qualified for a position in the new administration. I'm lobbying for Chief of Homeland Security. And to prove I'm a go-getter and am ready to hit the ground running I've already laid out my first big initiative.

You can stockpile all of the emergency equipment in the world but it is completely useless if it isn't readily available at the moment the disaster strikes. Seconds count. That's why, immediately after I'm sworn in I will mandate that every woman in America will be issued and required to wear one of these:

That's right. The Bra Facemask from Avocet Polymer Technologies, Inc., United States Patent Number 7,255,627. Here's the description from the patent page:

"A garment device convertible to one or more facemasks wherein the garment device has a plurality of detachable cup sections. Each of the cup sections has a filter device, an inner portion positionable adjacent to the inner area of the user's chest, and an outer portion positionable adjacent to the outer area of the user's chest. The garment device has at least one securing device detachably coupling the inner portions of the cup sections to one another, and the garment device has at least one other securing device attached to the outer portion of at least one of the cup sections. This other securing device is operable to: (a) detachably couple the outer portions of the cup regions to one another; and (b) for each one of the cup sections, attach the outer portion of said cup region to the inner portion of said cup region after said cup region is detached from the other cup region, thereby converting the garment device to a plurality of facemasks."

Got that? "A plurality of facemasks"! Think of the lives saved.

And since I'm a consummate safety and health professional, when these are distributed I will personally ensure that everyone is trained AND that their Bra Facemask has been properly fitted. Once that's taken care of we're going to have to practice, practice, practice. Having emergency equipment and procedures in place does no good if people can't use it effectively in an emergency situation. People have to practice until using this equipment is second nature. The only way to reach that level of proficiency is to repeatedly practice in a simulated emergency. That's right! We're going to DRILL BABY DRILL!!!

Regular, frequent, unannounced nation-wide drills. No matter where you are. No matter what you're doing. No matter who you're with. I want those puppies whipped off and on the faces of those around you in under five seconds! (You know I meant the masks, right?)

Through preparation and readiness the people of America will be more secure and confident, ready to face any challenge. No longer do we have to succumb to unforeseen catastrophes and languish while our dysfunctional emergency response system drops the ball again and again. We can take matters into our own hands. We can lay bare our fears. Free ourselves from the restraint that holds up our progress. We can expose ourselves to the sunlight and let ourselves breath the fresh air. America needs to smile again and I believe this program, THIS PROGRAM will make people feel good and will bring smiles to many, many faces.

Give me your support people. I'm the man for the job.


Hungry Mother said...

I've already written to my congressman in your support. Unfortunately, he wants $10,000 to read the email. Please send that to me in unmarked bills.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Do you take Republic of Alaska currency? Todd unloaded a bunch before the Republican convention.

Kitty said...

A great plan Bruce, I feel sure your election (whoops, nearly pressed the 'r' instead of the 'l') won't be long in the making.

The only trouble is, if the women of America are wearing their bras on their faces, aren't their boobs in terrible danger? :-O


Bruce, a work in progress said...

Fear not my dear Kitty. I will take your concern under advisement and promise to personally examine this issue...very, very carefully.
And I'm glad you avoided the dysfunction of your "r" key.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Oh and Kitty, America won't forget her allies. I'll pull some strings and get one to you as soon as I'm in office.

Malicious Intent said...

Uh, so what happened to us taking over the world????

Is it just to much of a shit hole to bother now?

I hear Mars is lovely in the spring and that prices for land are super cheap, some even free! You can buy an entire crater for less than a cheeseburger at McDonalds...which I think are about $25 each.

P.S. Have you accounted for the various cup sizes that will be needed...and with the varying cup sizes, can you guarantee a proper fit?? Obviously an A cup will have to be used on children and small men. C for adults and D's for "R" politians to absorb all of that hot air that could cause carbon monoxide poisoning while inhaling their own bullshit.

Juuuuuuuuuuust asking.

Malach the Merciless said...

I think if you were applying in the Bill Clinton Administration, that bra thing would get you in.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

MI, shhhh! Don't blow it. Once I'm in we're one step closer.

Obviously you've put a lot of thought into this. Maybe there's room for a deputy czar, hmmm?

Mal this is for the protection of my fellow man. Who wouldn't be in favor?