Update to Yesterday's Post

Looks like I didn't make the cut. This just in:

Ariz. Gov. Napolitano is pick for DHS

Ya'll better learn to hold your breath. Waiting for both these to be distributed:

And in the event you'd ever need them. I'll bet you won't see her wearing one of these. My plan would've kept Americans safe AND smiling. Come on Janet, let's see your big plans for DHS.

Health and Safety Czar

I've mentioned before that I am a health and safety professional. One aspect of my job is to protect workers from exposure to chemicals and other airborne agents. One of the ways we do that is to have the worker wear appropriate respiratory protection, that is, a respirator mask with the proper filtration media. I evaluate the potential exposure, select the respirator and filters, train the employee and ensure a proper fit for the mask on the employee's face.

I also have a background in biology and have worked in a biological containment laboratory with a variety of biological weapons agents such as Anthrax.

Because of my background I believe that I am qualified for a position in the new administration. I'm lobbying for Chief of Homeland Security. And to prove I'm a go-getter and am ready to hit the ground running I've already laid out my first big initiative.

You can stockpile all of the emergency equipment in the world but it is completely useless if it isn't readily available at the moment the disaster strikes. Seconds count. That's why, immediately after I'm sworn in I will mandate that every woman in America will be issued and required to wear one of these:

That's right. The Bra Facemask from Avocet Polymer Technologies, Inc., United States Patent Number 7,255,627. Here's the description from the patent page:

"A garment device convertible to one or more facemasks wherein the garment device has a plurality of detachable cup sections. Each of the cup sections has a filter device, an inner portion positionable adjacent to the inner area of the user's chest, and an outer portion positionable adjacent to the outer area of the user's chest. The garment device has at least one securing device detachably coupling the inner portions of the cup sections to one another, and the garment device has at least one other securing device attached to the outer portion of at least one of the cup sections. This other securing device is operable to: (a) detachably couple the outer portions of the cup regions to one another; and (b) for each one of the cup sections, attach the outer portion of said cup region to the inner portion of said cup region after said cup region is detached from the other cup region, thereby converting the garment device to a plurality of facemasks."

Got that? "A plurality of facemasks"! Think of the lives saved.

And since I'm a consummate safety and health professional, when these are distributed I will personally ensure that everyone is trained AND that their Bra Facemask has been properly fitted. Once that's taken care of we're going to have to practice, practice, practice. Having emergency equipment and procedures in place does no good if people can't use it effectively in an emergency situation. People have to practice until using this equipment is second nature. The only way to reach that level of proficiency is to repeatedly practice in a simulated emergency. That's right! We're going to DRILL BABY DRILL!!!

Regular, frequent, unannounced nation-wide drills. No matter where you are. No matter what you're doing. No matter who you're with. I want those puppies whipped off and on the faces of those around you in under five seconds! (You know I meant the masks, right?)

Through preparation and readiness the people of America will be more secure and confident, ready to face any challenge. No longer do we have to succumb to unforeseen catastrophes and languish while our dysfunctional emergency response system drops the ball again and again. We can take matters into our own hands. We can lay bare our fears. Free ourselves from the restraint that holds up our progress. We can expose ourselves to the sunlight and let ourselves breath the fresh air. America needs to smile again and I believe this program, THIS PROGRAM will make people feel good and will bring smiles to many, many faces.

Give me your support people. I'm the man for the job.

GOTTA DANCE!

This just in.

Israeli security forces black performer to dance

Because of his name Abdur-Rahim Jackson, African-American member of the Alvin Ailey dance troupe was forced to perform dance steps for Israeli security at Ben-Gurion International Airport in Tel Aviv before he was allowed to enter the country. This infallible and fool-proof security measure, the latest in high-tech counter-terrorism techniques, was necessary in order to prove that Mr. Jackson was indeed an American dancer and not a Muslim terrorist posing as an American dancer. A fact widely recognized within the world's security forces is that Muslin terrorists have no natural rhythm.

News of this new trend of attempted infiltration has spread among all of our allies in the "war on terror" (it didn't take long, how many are left, two?). This incident has prompted the Department of Homeland Security to raise the alert level. DHS has also begun investigating dance schools in the country paying particular attention to students who are interested in learning only a few convincing steps but no big finish. Procedures at American airports are being revised in phases beginning in Texas. In the event that a traveler refuses to perform the requested dance steps TSA officers wearing cowboy hats and boots will draw six-guns and shoot at the individual's feet while shouting "Dance!" and laughing menacingly. This reporter has managed to obtain a copy of the TSA training video from an unnamed source.

Stay tuned for more information as it becomes available.