We Regret to Inform You That On the Twelfth Day of Christmas...

January 5, 1973


This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.



Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender, & Chole



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And so it ends. Crap, now I have to think of something to blog about. Well, between today and Monday maybe I'll have an epiphany. AH HAHA! Get it? Epiphany? Between today and Monday? Tomorrow's the Epiph...ah hell, never mind.

ELEVEN!

January 4, 1973

Listen Fuckhead: What is wrong with you??? ELEVEN lords? They're leaping all over the milking maids and the slut ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled and/or squashed to death in the orgy. The smell of decaying poulty hangs in the air and all my furniture is covered in feathers. I hope you're satisfied you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

Day TEN...

January 3, 1973

You rotten prick: Now I've got 10 ladies dancing in my living room. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've all got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpeonaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you!

Agnes

Day Nine...

January 2, 1973

Hey Shithead: What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What the hell am I supposed to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours. Agnes

And on the Eighth Day...It Was a New Year

Happy New Year Everyone!

I hope that everyone had a safe and fun New Year's Eve. I am looking forward to what I hope will be a wonderful year for all of us.

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January 1, 1973

OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 milking maids? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 friggin milking maids, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me smartass.

Agnes

On the Seventh Day...

Enjoy your New Year's Eve!

Remember to be safe - it's amateur night

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December 31, 1972

John: What's with you and these freaking birds? Seven swimming swans? What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and the noise never stops. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. Stop with the friggin birds.


Sincerely, Agnes

On the Sixth Day...

Sorry I'm late folks. We had my mother here for Christmas and yesterday we took her to my brother's for the holiday handoff. We visited and didn't get home until late last night.

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December 30, 1972


Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.



Cordially, Agnes

On the Fifth Day...

I interrupt the latest instalment of our 12 Days saga to report on the latest violence in the Middle East.

Rival priests brawl inside Bethlehem church (what better way to celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace - at his birthplace?)

Groups of Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests attacked each other with brooms and stones inside the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. The church houses the site believed by most Christians to be the birthplace of Jesus. The incident occurred during an annual cleaning ceremony which precedes the Armenian and Orthodox Christmas in January.

The altercation seems to have been the result of a long-standing feud between the two rival gangs who, along with the Roman Catholic gang, run the turf contained inside the Basilica under a truce between the three groups. The unholy, er, uneasy alliance allows the three hostile factions dominion over their own church turf however encroachment into a rival gang's church territory is not taken lightly and retribution is often swift and violent.

Palestinian police separated the groups and restored order. Associated Press photographers were ordered out of the church but not before capturing the events leading to the incident on the following video.

West side story 1961
Uploaded by seidrik

We now return you to our previously scheduled blog post.
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December 29, 1972


Dearest John: What a surprise!!! Today the postman delivered five golden rings - one for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.



All my love, Agnes

On the Fourth Day...

December 28, 1972

Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

On the Third Day of...

December 27, 1972

Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love, Agnes

On the Second Day...

Happy Boxing Day Everyone!

I hope everyone had a fantastic day yesterday.

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December 26, 1972

Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine: two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All My Love, Agnes

Is this what you had in mind Col.?

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Playboy Style

A Very Merry Christmas and a Happy Yule to All



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Back in the early 70's when I was all of about 12 I discovered my brother's hidden stash of Playboy magazines (a distinct advantage of being the youngest). Believe it or not after very carefully studying the pictures I really did read the articles. One that stands out in my mind to this day was a parody of "The Twelve Days of Christmas". Through the miracle that is the internet I have found it and will, over the next twelve days, share it with you. As I said, it was first published in Playboy magazine around 1972. I have seen a couple of references that said it had been written by Jean Shepard who wrote the source material for (as well as narrated) the movie "A Christmas Story". He did write quite a lot for Playboy back then but I haven't found any confirmation that he actually wrote this.

An educational note. It is a common misconception that the 12 days of Christmas precede Christmas. They do not. The first day of Christmas is Christmas day. The twelve days lead up to January 6th which is the day the church established as the Epiphany, the observance of the arrival of the Magi in Bethlehem. In fact, at one point it was common to give gifts on that day, not December 25.

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December 25, 1972

My Dearest Darling John: Who ever in the whole wide world would dream of getting a real partridge perched beautifully in a lovely pear tree for Christmas? How can I ever express my pleasure? Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My Love Always, Agnes