Look What Santa Brought

I think I forgot to mention that the big family Christmas present this year was this:

She's a ShihTzu Poodle mix (yes that would be a ShihTzuPoo) and she's now about twelve weeks old. Her name is Dulcie which is short for Dulcinea. We already have another ShihTzuPoo, a six year old named Cassie (Cassandra), who thankfully doesn't read my blog otherwise she'd find out that I told you she's really a dog and not human as she believes.

Cassie is one of the smartest, sweetest, most lovable dogs you could ever meet - as long as you're a person. She has no tolerance for other dogs. They are beneath her. When we introduced Dulcie to her I was certain she was going to thank us for the new squeaky chew toy then proceed to try to find the squeaker in it and squeak it until it broke (as she does with all her squeaky toys). For about a week she walked around with a look on her face that said WTF? She growled and snarled whenever the puppy came near her. Eventually she seemed to concede that Dulcie might possibly have a right to exist in the same existential plane as her. Then slowly she began to barely tolerate her.

One day I came home from work and found out they had actually played. Together. I didn't believe it when my wife told me. I still couldn't believe it when I saw it with my own eyes.

I thought, my god, there's hope for the Arabs and Israelis (yeah, right). Of course Dulcie, being a puppy doesn't really know when to stop playing so Cassie tells her in no uncertain terms when she's had enough. It usually ends with a snarl and a retreat to the couch which (at the moment) is unreachable to the pup without human intervention. After a period of puppy snarling (which sounds like a sound effect from a Star Wars movie) and jumping up into Cassie's face, Dulcie's microsecond attention span turns to something else to occupy her.

Yes she is a cutie but of course, as with everything, there is a downside. Since Christmas my life seems to have been filled with one of my absolutely LEAST favorite things in the world. Dog Crap. If we're not seeing it or smelling it then we're talking about it. Typical scenario. I get home from work and sit down to dinner to have my wife inform me that Dulcie went all day without any accidents. With my fork poised between plate and mouth I look toward the family room to see Dulcie taking a dump on the floor - right on cue. Apparently she was saving it for me.

Last night before going to bed I stood out in the rain for twenty minutes in a test of wills waiting for her to poop. Neither of us wanted to be out in the rain. Unfortunately only one of us wanted her to poop. I remained positive and gave her praise and a T-R-E-A-T (have to spell it - can't get her to poop on command but boy does she know what a Treat is) when she finally, reluctantly, did her thing. Then we both went inside, wet and satisfied (I really wish I had just written that about someone other than the dog and taking her out to poop), and she immediately ran behind the couch - and wouldn't come out. My wife's in California on a business trip, the kids (and Cassie) were in bed, it's 11 o'clock, I'm wet, tired, and I just want to go to bed. And she wouldn't come out. Not for treats. Not for toys. Not for anything. She'd peek out from the end of the couch like a mouse from her hole but I couldn't get her before she'd dart back out of reach. In a flash of realization it came to me that I was going about this all wrong. I am a person. She is a tiny little dog. I have something she doesn't have. An intelligent, rational mind? No. Opposable thumbs? Well, perhaps. Superior strength? YES! I stooped down, grabbed the end of the couch and with my superhero strength (and remembering to lift with my legs) I moved the friggin' thing out of the way! And promptly stepped on the bottom of the curtains and pulled the rod down on my head. Fuck. Now it's after 11 o'clock, I'm still wet, still tired, I have a bump on my head, curtains on the floor...and I still don't have the dog. Grrr. By now I sounded like Ralphie's dad working on the furnace in "A Christmas Story". Fortunately with the couch now in the middle of the family room Dulcie had nowhere to hide and was apprehended rather swiftly (I think it was because her movements were slowed somewhat by her hysterical laughing. No really. She was laughing at me. I heard it). I then turned my attention to fixing the curtain rod. I couldn't find a wall anchor to put in the now over sized hole so I had to resort to using a much bigger screw. When I get home tonight I'll have to check to see if it came through the siding on the outside of the house.

Don't worry honey. She'll still be there when you get home. And I'll be a babbling idiot. Everything will just like it was when you left.

She really is cute.

Decisions, Decisions

At the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas posts I expressed concern about coming up with something to blog about. I had hoped to have an epiphany on the Epiphany but alas no kings bearing gold, common sense and mirth arrived. Not even one much less three.

The truth is, I'm kinda in a post holiday funk. Saturday we took down the tree and the outdoor decorations and Sunday we took our oldest to the airport to go back to college. That pretty much signaled the "official" end of the holidays. I didn't feel much like writing during all that. Then, yesterday was my day off and what with all other important things I have to do, well ya'll know how I feel about blogging on my day off.

In comments on my last post some of my loyal blog followers and fellow bloggers gave me some suggestions for topics.

Preposterous Ponderings expressed confidence that I would think of something and suggested posting naked pictures of myself if I didn't. Dear Kitty agreed. [Sorry to disappoint ladies but that's not happening. In fact it's so not happening that I am blogging about not having anything to blog about just to have something to blog about (huh?).]

Malicious Intent presented this list for consideration:
1.) Malicious Intent-who is she? We must worship her!(that would be the BEST topic, but I am biased). [A fine topic to be sure but...We're not worthy]

2.) It is an election year and our candidates are guaranteed to provide us with and endless stream of soundbites to amuse and amaze. [Definitely a good "go to" topic]

3.)Britney Spears. You don't have to start anywhere particular, just make it up as you go, she does. [I think I'll let Dr. Phil talk about her for now]

4.) Writers strike, I mean it really has impacted all of or lives! [Great idea, I have a few things brewing on this one]

5.) Pedicures. [Hmm. No personal experience. I suppose I could go get one for research purposes. While I'm there I could also research massages. I think we're on to something]

6.) P.P. will like this one "The incredible edible egg." Maybe a recipe of the month club. [Prepo has six kids. She knows WAY more about ova than I do]

7.) A study on belly button lint. [I already spend too much time navel-gazing]

8.) You can do surveys, topics can include marriage, children (nah), thoughts on world domination, etc. [Possibilities]

9.) World domination. [Definitely not. If I start talking about this I may say too much and tip my hand. I don't want the world to know my plans until it's too late to stop me]

10.) Worshiping Malicious Intent. [We're still not worthy]

Tequila suggested an in-depth examination of ninjas vs pirates.. their merits, who would win in a fight, etc...[This is a very broad and deep topic. I could do a college course on this. In order for it to be parsed down to a blog topic we would have to look at all the variables (how many pirates?, how many ninja?, are they evenly matched?, on sea?, on land?, can the pirates use cannon and firearms?). The analysis would have to be limited to certain defined parameters]

Hungry Mother pointed out that the college football season is over, and thinks I should blog about college basketball. [I know even less about college basketball than I do about college football. I'm a theater guy. I like hanging out with hot girls not sweaty, smelly macho guys. Still, I guess I could approach it from the perspective of a guy that doesn't do sports. HM probably wouldn't like it though.]

So I guess I have some ideas now. I'll be happy to entertain additional suggestions while I contemplate these. Thanks!

We Regret to Inform You That On the Twelfth Day of Christmas...

January 5, 1973


This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.



Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender, & Chole



---------------------------

And so it ends. Crap, now I have to think of something to blog about. Well, between today and Monday maybe I'll have an epiphany. AH HAHA! Get it? Epiphany? Between today and Monday? Tomorrow's the Epiph...ah hell, never mind.

ELEVEN!

January 4, 1973

Listen Fuckhead: What is wrong with you??? ELEVEN lords? They're leaping all over the milking maids and the slut ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled and/or squashed to death in the orgy. The smell of decaying poulty hangs in the air and all my furniture is covered in feathers. I hope you're satisfied you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

Day TEN...

January 3, 1973

You rotten prick: Now I've got 10 ladies dancing in my living room. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've all got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpeonaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you!

Agnes

Day Nine...

January 2, 1973

Hey Shithead: What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What the hell am I supposed to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours. Agnes

And on the Eighth Day...It Was a New Year

Happy New Year Everyone!

I hope that everyone had a safe and fun New Year's Eve. I am looking forward to what I hope will be a wonderful year for all of us.

---------------------------

January 1, 1973

OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 milking maids? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 friggin milking maids, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me smartass.

Agnes