If Only It Weren't True

Just a quick funny. Or maybe not.


A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.'

'Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Welcoming Mike Back!

As I'm sure you all are aware our dear friend Mike had some serious medical issues of late and he spent last week in the hospital having portions of his anatomy removed. We all, in our own way, asked God, the Goddess, the gods, the Universe, the Force to smile upon him and positively intercede on his behalf. Prayers, well wishes and positive energy were sent and small rodents were sacrificed to ancient, all but forgotten Sumerian deities. And they heard. And they smiled. And they gave Mike really great painkillers. And they saw that it was good. Now he's back with us and we'll see that is good as well. If for no other reason than his blogs are routinely peppered with nearly naked pictures of really hot women.

I'm not going to go into detail about Mike's medical issues. That's something that is very personal and to talk about medical issues and private bodily functions to just about anybody that will listen would make me my mother. I'd hate to have this blog interrupted by a gunshot and the spattering of the contents of my head on the screen because I've made my daughters swear a solemn oath that they'd shoot me if I ever started acting like her. But enough about me, I was talking about Mike. I want him to be able to put his illness behind him. To forget about being in the hospital and surgery and all that and to move forward and concentrate on recovering. To that end I'd like to give Mike a few gifts and some suggestion for things he can do to make himself feel better.

First, I'd like to present him with this lovely gift pack (I'd like to present him with it but I'm cheap so I'm just presenting him with the picture of it) which includes a T-Shirt, button, sticker, and an adorable plush stuffed toy. The T-Shirt says "When Urine Love".

Next, Mike really needs to focus on his diet. He needs to eat well in order to recover and build his strength. I understand that these have lots of protein.

Plus, there's nothing better than comfort food when you're under the weather so here's a hearty Steak and Kidney pie to stick to his ribs. Kitty sent this all the way from England.

Tequila Mockingbird insisted on contributing so when he's feeling a little better he can have a little medicinal nip from one of these nicely engraved flasks. The description said they were kidney-shaped but I'm not sure what that had to do with anything.

I'm sure he's doing a lot of resting right now but when he's up and about it's important that he have a proper, ergonomically designed workstation. He can do his blogging from this compact computer desk. The description said it was kidney-shaped but I'm not sure what that had to do with anything.
When the weather's warmed up and he's cleared to get his incision wet he can get some exercise and cool off at the same time in this beautiful pool. The description said it was kidney-shaped but...well, never mind.

And don't you worry about pool maintenance brother, I've got that covered. She can't wait to see your scar.

It feels good to do something for someone else. And I'm really, really glad that I took the high road and avoided talking about Mike's private health issues. I mean, that's something that should be his to share if he chooses.

We missed you buddy and we're very glad you're back and doing well. Sincerely.

A Little Redecorating

Check out my new blog header! Pretty freakin' awesome huh?

I'd like to give my heartfelt thanks to my dear blogging buddy Malicious Intent, the artist responsible for this lovely work. I opened an email over the weekend to discover that MI had been "playing in her coloring book" because, you know, she just doesn't have enough to do to keep her busy (wipe your feet - some of that sarcasm just dripped on'em) and low and behold she created a beautiful banner for my blog. Only it wasn't this one.

Seems I have some kind of weird matter-antimatter, electromagnetic field or something. Maybe it's superpowers that I haven't yet discovered, I don't know. Anyway, the predominant background color in the original was dark blue. After several attempts by me to upload, MI resending, me re-uploading, Blogger seemed to think that the picture should be RED. Go figure. MI solved the problem by designing and creating a completely new banner.

The new one is different from the first but every bit as beautiful and I love it and it uploaded without a hitch. It captures the very essence of that which is my Quixotic Hierophantness. Go forth to pay homage and to lavish worship upon MI (she likes that and it keeps her from getting cranky). I caution you however to not incur her wrath for though art soft and not chainsaw resistant.

Thank you MI!!!

And the Lamb Shall Lay Down With the Lion, Or Something Like That

Two stories of special encounters with animals. The first is a video that's been circulating around the internet. The background story is that the woman featured in the video found the lion as a cub, rescued it, raised it, then donated it to a zoo. Their first meeting since she gave him to the zoo was captured on film. If you haven't already seen this, don't worry there aren't any surprises. It's absolutely adorable.

The next encounter is a similar story of rescue and remembrance, this time between a man and an elephant.

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Gotchya. Hey, it's a joke. Get over it.

Have a nice weekend!

Raising Your Consciousness, The 10 Step Program

I have rather eclectic interests and the Yahoo Groups and discussion forums I belong to reflect that. I didn't write this piece, I picked it up from one of those said forums. I'm reasonably certain it wasn't one of the Second Amendment-pry my gun from my cold dead hand guns/shooting groups that I belong to. I'm thinking it may have been from one of the groups devoted to Paganism/Wicca/Spirituality. In any event, get those consciousnesses (that can't be right) up off the couch and give them a little workout. They're getting soft and flabby sitting in front of the computer reading blogs all day.

Top 10 Ways to Raise Your Consciousness By Ronya Banks

Life can be a GIFT or a NIGHTMARE, depending on where you choose to operate from consciously. Practiced regularly, the following 10 tips will assist you in shining your beautiful unique light so brightly that your resulting raised consciousness will be a GIFT to yourself, humanity, and the Cosmos.

1. Forgive yourself and others. Life is too short to hold on to regrets, grudges, miscommunication, or disappointments. Free yourself by forgiving and letting go of any negative energy you're holding on to about yourself and/or others. There are many ways to do this. One way is to write down anything you're ready to let go of and ceremonially tear it into small pieces and throw it away as you forgive. You may even choose to verbally forgive anyone you've been resenting. Either way, the process of forgiving yourself and others will result in your feeling light and free, and consequently raise your vibration.

2. Practice gratitude and appreciation. Whatever you focus on grows. So, when you focus on every thing in your life you have to feel grateful for and all the wonderful people you appreciate, the universe hands you more to feel grateful about. It's a wonderfully reciprocal consciousness raising process.

3. Live each day as though it were your last. If today was your last known day in this lifetime, with what type of people would you surround yourself? What would you say to the people you care about? What personal gifts would you make sure you imparted to humanity and the earth? Live each day as if it was your last, and you will be living in a state of light, love and unconditional contribution.

4. Meditate/Pray. You open up a direct link between yourself and the spiritual realm when you meditate and/or pray. Meditation and prayer can be used to bring you closer to your creator energy, raise your vibration, bring you peace, clarity, joy, and connection, as well assist you in experiencing a perfectly balanced state between your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies.

5. Suspend judgment. This world is laden with judgment, irresponsibility, and finger pointing. One judges another to feel less guilty about one's own misgivings. Judgment energy is dense, dark, and heavy. On the other hand, unconditional acceptance is light, free, and accepting. Let go of judging and criticizing yourself and others. Everyone is on a different path, and some appear to be further ahead on their path than others. Neither path is better nor worse than another. Raise your consciousness to one of acceptance.

6. View every experience as a GIFT. If you look back at occurrences in your life, you can easily see how even the worst situations you experienced in your life ended up teaching you invaluable lessons and therefore ended up putting you in the perfect place for your continuing development. When you view every experience, the good, the bad, and the ugly as a GIFT, life flows more like a gentle, inspiring breeze.

7. Stay consciously aware of all of your thoughts and feelings. Until you raise the consciousness of the entire human race, it is extremely easy to fall back in to all pervasive negative patterns of complaining and feeling like a victim of society and a victim of your life. To stay out of these patterns, check in with yourself your present thoughts and feelings several times a day. When you catch yourself in the Negative zone, don't feel badly about it and beat yourself up. Simply choose to switch your consciousness to one of gratitude and positive thinking. Remain conscious.

8. Treat your physical body as your temple. Your body is the only vehicle you've been given for this ride called "LIFE." The better you care for your body by eating a healthy, balanced diet, and by implementing a regular exercise routine, and by giving your body the rest it requires, the more you will experience increased energy, vitality, joy, and freedom. Honor, love, appreciate and take extra good care of your body, and you will be raising your energy and your consciousness.

9. View the world through the eyes of a child. Observe a baby or a young child. It won't take you long to notice that young children are constantly totally enthralled by the process of observing and experiencing the wonder and beauty in every single thing, color, texture, and person they meet. They can't get enough! Look at every tree, sunset, cloud, and human being as a child would and you'll be in a constant state of wonder, joy, surprise, acceptance, and enlightenment.

10. Give LOVE, LOVE, LOVE from your heart. It's all about love. Do you remember the feeling of being in love for the first time? Why was it so wonderful? That's because love is the highest vibration. Allow yourself to receive love unconditionally from others. Give love from your heart unconditionally to yourself and others, and you will experience the highest state of consciousness possible.

- About the Submitter: This piece was originally submitted by Ronya Banks, Degrees in both Psychology and Computer Programming, as well as certification in extensive leadership trainings, Life coach, trainer, business owner, entrepreneur, mother, writer, and mentor, who can be reached at rbanks@livinginacti on.com, or visited on the web. Copyright 2000-2003 CoachVille. May be distributed if full attribution is given and copyright notice is included.

My Spirit Guides Are Not Pleased

Initially they were rather happy to find that they had made such a rousing comeback after being nearly hunted to extinction. The protections put in place in the 1970's and restoration efforts that began in 1995 helped them to make such a comeback that they no longer need protection. So of course, humans being humans have decided that it's now time to start killing them again.

So now they're pissed

Of course I'm talking about the Gray Wolf and the news story that appeared over the weekend reporting that the Federal Endangered Species Act protection for the wolves was lifted on Friday and the Wildlife agencies in Idaho, Montana and Wyoming announced "management" hunts on Saturday. In addition to that, on Friday Idaho governor "Butch" Otter (no kidding, that's his name) signed a bill that allows ranchers, outfitters and pet owners to kill wolves that they catch annoying, disturbing or stalking animals or livestock. That's rather broad leeway doncha think?

Golldang Butch! Durn if'n them wolves didn't make it back from the brink'o'exstinkshun. Let's go kill us some! They've been annoyin' my sheep and makin'em nervous.

Hate to tell you sparky, but it's you that's been makin' them sheep nervous. People. Sheesh.

Hey look, I'm not anti-hunting and I understand wildlife management and all that but couldn't they have at least given the wolves the weekend to celebrate?

I have a fondness for wolves. I have all my life. I happen to think that they are some of the most beautiful animals on the planet. And that they've gotten a bad wrap, you know with the whole "Little Red Riding Hood", "Three Little Pigs", fairy tale thing.

In addition to that, my father served in the Army in Europe during World War II in the 104th Infantry Division. They were called the "Fighting Timberwolves" and were known for their ability to operate at night and over mountainous and rough terrain. This is their unit insignia. With a little work I'm thinking it would make a nice Tat.

Hell, some of you may remember that I took "Tiberius Wolf" (get it? T. Wolf?) as my shooting alias in Cowboy Action Shooting.

As fate would have it, I've even recently discovered that my Native American horoscope sign is...you guessed it...the Wolf. How cool is that? They say you don't get to pick your spirit guide, they pick you. Maybe there's something to that. Maybe if people stopped talking and listened a little better they might discover they have one and that maybe they ought to listen to what it has to say. In any case I don't have to listen to mine very hard to hear that they're not happy.