I'm back and Six Things About Me

Okay, I'm back. The weekend was fantastic and I'm more or less recovered.

Last week before I left, dear sweet Malicious Intent tagged me with a meme. As with all memes I grumbled but since she did such a wonderful job of keeping my plan for world domination on track while I was gone I felt it only right to give it an honest effort.

So I need to list six non-important things/habits/quirks about myself. Here goes.

1. I have a small level of OCD. I don’t wash my hands 36 times or lock and unlock the door five times in a row or anything like that but there are certain things that I’m a little compulsive about. I hate having sticky hands. As a kid I refused to eat cotton candy and candy apples because they made me sticky. Still won’t eat candy apples. I have to have the bed made a certain way before I get into it. I like to have my clothes folded a certain way – that’s actually more of a practical one because they fit in the closet and dresser better if they are all folded the same way – okay maybe it’s not so practical. Things I use all the time, like my keys, must have a place where they always live and I must always put them there when I’m not using them. That’s actually because I can’t remember shit and if I don’t put them in the same place all the time I’d have no idea where the hell they were. If pictures are crooked I have to straighten them. Stuff like that. Of course, given this information you’d think I’d be neater. Nope. Just picky about certain things.

2. I like beer AND wine. I prefer dark beers and don’t particularly care for “light” beer. It’s like making love in a canoe – fucking close to water. I like coffee AND tea. Coffee with cream and sugar, tea black with one sugar. Hard alcohol of choice is vodka though I do also like rum. After an unfortunate incident right after graduating high school involving seven shots, seven beers, porcelain, and no memory of the preceding 10 hours before waking up – I have never been able to tolerate whiskey. Until recently that is, when I discovered Irish whiskey and realized that not all whiskey is the same. That stuff I can drink neat. Smooth. Pie rather than cake (but I usually won’t turn down either). Chocolate rather than gummy, chewy candy. And I’m a cat person that owns two dogs. The older dog is rather cat-like in many respects. The puppy, not so much…yet.

3. I hate it when I’m asked “What is your favorite ____ (fill in the blank)? My interests are many and they vary as much as my moods. Except in very rare instances, I’m hard pressed to name a favorite movie, book, color, whatever. Ask me again in five minutes and the answer will change. One of the few things I can name a favorite of – flowers. Daffodils. The great big, bright yellow ones make me smile.

4. Closed-minded people piss me off. It must be incredibly comforting for them walking around being certain that they know the mind of God or that they can answer with certainty the questions that no one can possibly know the answers to. I hope they’ll excuse me if I choose to remain open to possibilities.

5. I love Traditional Irish music. The old instrumental “chunes” with simple melodies of the type played by Irish musicians sitting in the corner of a dark pub surrounded by pint glasses filled to varied levels with dark beer. I was researching some ancient Irish mythology several years ago and stumbled across this particular genre of music and the instruments used to play it. I’ve been listening to it and learning to play the Irish whistle off and on (more off than on lately) ever since. The music that can be produced by a $4 instrument in the hands of someone that knows what they’re doing just amazes me.

6. I’m a registered Republican. Most people start out liberal when they’re young and get more conservative over the years. I did that backwards. Actually, I’m pretty middle of the road and tend to straddle the moderate fence moving from one side to the other depending on the issue. I don’t care much for the extremists on either side. They tend to fall into the category mentioned in number 4 above. Being some weird form of Taoist Pagan, I believe in balance. I’m hoping that if we can get everybody to run over to the Port side of the ship this time around we can start to get it upright before it capsizes.

Rules of the game:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

#1 through #3 are taken care of. I'm not going to do #4 or #5. Sorry MI, I don't always play by the rules. If anybody else reading this would like to play...feel free.

A Friday Joke For Half-Wits

Sorry I wasn't around much yesterday. It was my wife's birthday and I took yesterday and today off from work. Yesterday, to stay home and pamper her and fulfill her every fantasy, today because we're leaving to spend a weekend away together. Needless to say, I won't be around much this weekend either. I didn't have anything in particular for today but I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. So...I went through my email joke folder and I'll leave you with this, courtesy of a friend (thanks Bill).

A man owned a small farm in Georgia. The Georgia State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

" That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Have a great weekend!

Work Stress Can Kill You...But Try Not To Worry

A twelve year long British study involving 10,000 subject has concluded that work-related stress can kill. I'm not talking about the the quiet guy that always seemed so nice and talked to his plants snapping and going postal kind of lethal work stress. Sure we've all heard for a long time that stress is unhealthy, that's a no brainer. The significance of this study is that it is one of the first to actually link the stress to real biological changes to the body.

One of the findings that I thought particularly interesting was that "stressed workers had...higher-than-normal levels of cortisol, a "stress" hormone that provides a burst of energy for a fight-or-flight response." Gee, there's that fight or flight response again. I know I've said this before but it bears repeating. Modern human lifestyles are fighting our evolutionary background. We're still physically hardwired for primitive reactions that served us well in helping to keep the species alive. Now those same primitive reactions in a sense, are killing us. Back in the day if a guy was in danger and the fight or flight response was primed by his endocrine system which filled his body with "stress" hormones - he actually got to fight or flee. Now the saber-toothed tiger is your asshole of a boss. The hostile caveman from the neighboring clan is the schmuck from Acquisitions that's citing regulations to deny your request to buy STRESS BALLS to use to promote your employee assistance counseling program (yeah, that one's real, do I sound bitter?). We walk around constantly primed to fight or flee but we never get the chance to do it. Hormones are the chemicals that control the system. If you mess with the chemicals, you mess with the system.

On top of that good news, the Wall Street Journal ran an article the other day reporting that "Researchers at Yale have identified a gene mutation for rumination..." No, that's not a disorder that makes people think they're cows. It's "the kind of chronic worry in which people obsess over negative thoughts." The gene is "a variation of a gene known as BDNF that's active in the hippocampus, an area of the brain involved in thinking and memory." BDNF? Hmmm. Maybe we can use that as a mantra to relax when we start to worry about something. BDNF...BDNF...Big Deal Numb Fuck...

Actually, the thing that caught me in this article was that "the discovery adds to a growing body of evidence that depression involves an inability to control negative thoughts, not just excess emotion." I can speak to this from experience. Given the content of this article I would guess off the top of my head that I have this gene. I've been taking antidepressants for a few years. Now I'm a pretty happy guy. Back then, not so much. Now I have a lot to be happy about. Back then, I still had a lot to be happy about. The difference? Serious problems at work threw me into a serious, full-blown funk. I began wrestling with negative thought patterns. No, wrestling sounds too collegial - something you could get a gold medal for. This was like one of the battle scenes in Braveheart or Lord of the Rings. I still lapse into this way of thinking to a much lesser extent and probably always will but now it's more like a slap fight and I can put those thoughts in time out pretty quickly. Back then, they were kicking my ass. Once it starts you get locked inside your own head in a vicious cycle of negativity, playing out scenarios that haven't happened, and won't happen, then get stressed out and pissed off about them. You actually get angry about something that hasn't happened or more often primed to be angry then direct it at little things that have nothing to do with it. I say cycle but actually, it's a spiral, and it heads down. They say that thoughts become things. Well, if you swirl around the drain long enough and you're always negative, and you act like an ass most of the time, the interesting thing is that those scenarios that play out in your head become self-fulfilling prophesies. So yeah, I think these scientists are right on the money with this one.

The key is, as with many problems, realizing what's going on and finding a way to break the cycle. You gotta find your happy thought...and maybe find a Woolly Mammoth to hunt.

I Got Kudos...

...hopefully with some antibiotics it will clear up.

NO. Seriously. When it rains it pours. I got my first blogging awards from my fellow bloggers over the weekend! I'm excited and honored.

First I got not one but TWO awards from Kitty over at Kitty's Bloggy Bits. I received the "Spread the Love" award which is all about spreading love around blogland (me? who knew?)

AND the "You Cheer Me Up Award". It originated with Ann at A Nice Place in the Sun and is for bloggers whose words lift our day(s). Thank you so much Kitty, you're a sweetheart. If you folks haven't visited Kitty please do. She has a great blog and makes a mean sock monkey.

Then, just as I was content to bask in the love for the rest of a cold, cold Sunday I found out that Hungry Mother bestowed upon me the "Excellence in Blogging" award. HM is a great guy and I look forward to his blog every day.

If I may steal from HM's post:

The award originated with Project Mommy who says: ... I love being a part of the blogging community and part of all the friendships that I've formed so I wanted to give a blog award for all of you out there that have Excellent Blogs. By accepting this Excellent Blog Award, you have to award it to 10 more people whose blogs you find Excellent Award worthy. You can give it to as many people as you want but please award at least 10. Thank you out there for having such great blogs and being such great friends! You deserve this! Feel free to award people who have already been awarded…

I'm glad that last sentence is there because HM already gave it to most of the other bloggers I know, but here goes (if you've already gotten it, well that just means that more than one of us thinks you're excellent):

Simply Curious Girl
Preposterous Ponderings
Tongue In Check
Mutterings of a Mad Bookseller
Kitty's Bloggy Bits
Malicious Intent
Malach the Merciless
Tequila Mockingbird
One Biscuit Hound
Mental Poo
Crashed Site

Thanks folks, you are all a regular part of my day. Kudos to you and to my readers. Hey, Kudos are communicable!

Martin Luther King, Jr.

In observance of the birthday of Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., today is a government holiday in the U.S. I'm quite sure this video or portions of it will be getting a lot of air time but that's not a bad thing. The man had a message.

He speaks of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. Of their failure to apply to everyone in this nation. Here we stand 45 years later and it seems that we are in danger of the Declaration and the Constitution applying to no one.

He dreamed of a day when people would be judged not by the color of their skin by by the content of their character. Here we stand 45 years later unable to fulfill that dream because there seem to be so damn few people of CHARACTER around to judge. People are happy today to be mindless sheep following the person with the nicest hair, or the best 15 second sound bite, or the one that didn't show any emotion, or the one that showed too much. The one that's the right color, or the right gender, or - my personal favorite - the right religion and loudest holy book thumper. People today don't know what character is. It's been so long since they've seen anybody that has it.

Rev. King was speaking in the 1960's about the issue of American Civil Rights. But there is a larger message. Some issues transcend time and location. I've copied some of his quotes below. They could've been spoken today.

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."

"A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on an installment plan."

"Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love."

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

"The hope of a secure and livable world lies with disciplined nonconformists who are dedicated to justice, peace and brotherhood."

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."

I too have a dream. Free thinking people of character that are guided by principles.

UPDATE

Here is an Associated Press article that points out just how complex and UNpopular Dr. King was when he was alive. Something that "creatively maladjusted" "disciplined nonconformists" seem to have in common with one another. Popular view of King ignores complexity.

Album Cover Meme

Generally I don't like memes but every once in a while one comes along that catches my interest and makes me want to do it. Mal's great Letter to Myself at 13 for instance.



I'm not sure where this one started but I first saw it on Prepon's blog the other day, then over at Malicious Intent. It involves clicking on supplied links, following the instructions, and combining the random text and photo into an album (can we still say album or is it CD nowadays?) cover. So I clicked on the links. I have to say, if the random stuff had been lame I probably wouldn't have bothered investing the time but honestly - I might just have to take music lessons and round up some other musicians just so I can start a band with this name. Especially since I've written a post about this response AND it came up again just the other day. How's that for synchronicity? Anyway, I liked how it all came together so I thought I'd share. Here's what I ended up with:

Pretty sweet.

Here are the rules and links for anyone else that would like to try:

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together (I'm an amateur, so if I did form the band I'd hire Malicious Intent to do the graphics - she does really nice work).

Have a great weekend everybody.

A Discovery! And Answers

"Fossil hunters have uncovered the greatest rodent that ever lived!"

My god! They've discovered Rodents of Unusual Size! They've found the Fire Swamp. "The Princess Bride" is true!

I just watched that movie the other day with my daughter. I love it, it never gets old. Since I was reminded of "The Princess Bride" I have to tell you my favorite Mandy Patinkin story. A few years back my wife and I went to see Mandy Patinkin in concert in Tampa, FL. At some point early in the performance a fan sitting close to the stage wished him a happy birthday. He thanked them and acknowledged that, yes it was his birthday. Someone from back stage produced a large sheet cake and the whole audience broke out into happy birthday. He blew out the candles and offers cake to everyone. Then he says, no, wait, we have a show to do let's wait until after the show. Anyone that wants cake stick around and come up on stage after the show. We're all thinking, yeah right, they're going to give cake to the whole audience in the Tampa Center for the Performing Arts. He goes on with his brilliant performance. After the show the lights come up and people start to leave. As we're walking from our seats we notice that indeed, some people are going on stage. So we stayed and joined them. On stage Mandy Patinkin is personally cutting and serving cake to anyone that wants it. I would guess that less than a fourth of the audience stayed but that man cut cake, spoke to, signed autographs for and posed for pictures with every single person that was there. On his birthday. We were never rushed and he actually mingled with people. As if that wasn't cool enough, the person in front of us asked him to do THE line from "The Princess Bride". We were two feet from he when he said "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." That went way beyond cool. And the cake was good too.

Okay. Here are the answers to yesterday's quiz questions:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

With the exception of remembering to take the giraffe out before putting in the elephant, my kids got these right last night. Maybe thay were assuming a really big refrigerator.

A Quiz and a Bonus Joke

Here's a short quiz that was reportedly given to "professionals" at Andersen Consulting Worldwide. The questions are not that difficult. I'll post the answers tomorrow.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend
except one. Which animal does not attend?

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do
you manage it?


And since we're testing professional and problem solving skills here's a joke involving a creative sales pitch.

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty one day.

Boudreaux's first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Iraq an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da the governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!"

"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq first."

Fascinatingly Frightening...

...or frighteningly fascinating. I'm not sure which.

An article from John P Briggs, M.D. and JP Briggs II, Ph.D., father and son psychotherapists, on the mental state of President Bush on Truthout.org frankly scared the hell out of me. It's entitled "What Is He Capable Of? The Presidential Psychology at the End of Days" and it explains a lot. It puts the behavior we've all been watching since the beginning of his first term (hell, since the first election) into medical and psychological terms. It doesn't change anything but at least it helps us to understand what's going on in his head (hold the jokes) and the country's response to it. It also gives some interesting insight into the behavior of the Democratic controlled Congress when dealing (or not dealing) with Bush. In a way it's rather like reading the engineering analysis of the damage inflicted by the iceberg as you stand on the deck of the Titanic waiting for your feet to get wet.

I found the following passage interesting in relation to a blog entry I wrote a while back called "The Rise of The Three Brained Man":

"Polarizing tactics work because they provoke and rely on fear in those at the receiving end - fear of being wrong, fear of what the other guy will do, fear of uncertainty, fear of mistakes. Fear these things less and the tactics will work less. Such fears make us feel like children again. But we're adults. Binary, absolutist categories are always an inadequate description of the real world, which is, as Lincoln said, an "inseparable compound" of various polarities. As adults, we can think and speak about subtleties and complexities. If we do, fear will go down, not up. Most adults implicitly understand that the real world is, more often than not, nuanced, and an appeal to the truth of shades has its own strong power."

Fear and the response to it lies in the reptile brain. The ability to "think and speak about subtleties and complexities" sits squarely in the reasoning brain. Oh the things we are capable of when we use all the tools we were given.

I doubt the sanity of anyone that would actually WANT to be president, however, I think I'd like to see a psychological profile of each of the candidates from this point forward. Might be nice to know who has mommy & daddy issues BEFORE they take the oath.

Randomness

Just a list of random things to contemplate from one of those clever (or maybe not) emails that someone sent around. I think I recognize a few of them from various comedians but who has time to verify every email joke that comes in?

-----------

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where all the terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Homeland Security.



Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.


Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.


Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.


Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?



In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And finally, last but certainly not least, one that is so true on so many levels:



Life is sexually transmitted.

Look What Santa Brought

I think I forgot to mention that the big family Christmas present this year was this:

She's a ShihTzu Poodle mix (yes that would be a ShihTzuPoo) and she's now about twelve weeks old. Her name is Dulcie which is short for Dulcinea. We already have another ShihTzuPoo, a six year old named Cassie (Cassandra), who thankfully doesn't read my blog otherwise she'd find out that I told you she's really a dog and not human as she believes.

Cassie is one of the smartest, sweetest, most lovable dogs you could ever meet - as long as you're a person. She has no tolerance for other dogs. They are beneath her. When we introduced Dulcie to her I was certain she was going to thank us for the new squeaky chew toy then proceed to try to find the squeaker in it and squeak it until it broke (as she does with all her squeaky toys). For about a week she walked around with a look on her face that said WTF? She growled and snarled whenever the puppy came near her. Eventually she seemed to concede that Dulcie might possibly have a right to exist in the same existential plane as her. Then slowly she began to barely tolerate her.

One day I came home from work and found out they had actually played. Together. I didn't believe it when my wife told me. I still couldn't believe it when I saw it with my own eyes.

I thought, my god, there's hope for the Arabs and Israelis (yeah, right). Of course Dulcie, being a puppy doesn't really know when to stop playing so Cassie tells her in no uncertain terms when she's had enough. It usually ends with a snarl and a retreat to the couch which (at the moment) is unreachable to the pup without human intervention. After a period of puppy snarling (which sounds like a sound effect from a Star Wars movie) and jumping up into Cassie's face, Dulcie's microsecond attention span turns to something else to occupy her.

Yes she is a cutie but of course, as with everything, there is a downside. Since Christmas my life seems to have been filled with one of my absolutely LEAST favorite things in the world. Dog Crap. If we're not seeing it or smelling it then we're talking about it. Typical scenario. I get home from work and sit down to dinner to have my wife inform me that Dulcie went all day without any accidents. With my fork poised between plate and mouth I look toward the family room to see Dulcie taking a dump on the floor - right on cue. Apparently she was saving it for me.

Last night before going to bed I stood out in the rain for twenty minutes in a test of wills waiting for her to poop. Neither of us wanted to be out in the rain. Unfortunately only one of us wanted her to poop. I remained positive and gave her praise and a T-R-E-A-T (have to spell it - can't get her to poop on command but boy does she know what a Treat is) when she finally, reluctantly, did her thing. Then we both went inside, wet and satisfied (I really wish I had just written that about someone other than the dog and taking her out to poop), and she immediately ran behind the couch - and wouldn't come out. My wife's in California on a business trip, the kids (and Cassie) were in bed, it's 11 o'clock, I'm wet, tired, and I just want to go to bed. And she wouldn't come out. Not for treats. Not for toys. Not for anything. She'd peek out from the end of the couch like a mouse from her hole but I couldn't get her before she'd dart back out of reach. In a flash of realization it came to me that I was going about this all wrong. I am a person. She is a tiny little dog. I have something she doesn't have. An intelligent, rational mind? No. Opposable thumbs? Well, perhaps. Superior strength? YES! I stooped down, grabbed the end of the couch and with my superhero strength (and remembering to lift with my legs) I moved the friggin' thing out of the way! And promptly stepped on the bottom of the curtains and pulled the rod down on my head. Fuck. Now it's after 11 o'clock, I'm still wet, still tired, I have a bump on my head, curtains on the floor...and I still don't have the dog. Grrr. By now I sounded like Ralphie's dad working on the furnace in "A Christmas Story". Fortunately with the couch now in the middle of the family room Dulcie had nowhere to hide and was apprehended rather swiftly (I think it was because her movements were slowed somewhat by her hysterical laughing. No really. She was laughing at me. I heard it). I then turned my attention to fixing the curtain rod. I couldn't find a wall anchor to put in the now over sized hole so I had to resort to using a much bigger screw. When I get home tonight I'll have to check to see if it came through the siding on the outside of the house.

Don't worry honey. She'll still be there when you get home. And I'll be a babbling idiot. Everything will just like it was when you left.

She really is cute.

Decisions, Decisions

At the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas posts I expressed concern about coming up with something to blog about. I had hoped to have an epiphany on the Epiphany but alas no kings bearing gold, common sense and mirth arrived. Not even one much less three.

The truth is, I'm kinda in a post holiday funk. Saturday we took down the tree and the outdoor decorations and Sunday we took our oldest to the airport to go back to college. That pretty much signaled the "official" end of the holidays. I didn't feel much like writing during all that. Then, yesterday was my day off and what with all other important things I have to do, well ya'll know how I feel about blogging on my day off.

In comments on my last post some of my loyal blog followers and fellow bloggers gave me some suggestions for topics.

Preposterous Ponderings expressed confidence that I would think of something and suggested posting naked pictures of myself if I didn't. Dear Kitty agreed. [Sorry to disappoint ladies but that's not happening. In fact it's so not happening that I am blogging about not having anything to blog about just to have something to blog about (huh?).]

Malicious Intent presented this list for consideration:
1.) Malicious Intent-who is she? We must worship her!(that would be the BEST topic, but I am biased). [A fine topic to be sure but...We're not worthy]

2.) It is an election year and our candidates are guaranteed to provide us with and endless stream of soundbites to amuse and amaze. [Definitely a good "go to" topic]

3.)Britney Spears. You don't have to start anywhere particular, just make it up as you go, she does. [I think I'll let Dr. Phil talk about her for now]

4.) Writers strike, I mean it really has impacted all of or lives! [Great idea, I have a few things brewing on this one]

5.) Pedicures. [Hmm. No personal experience. I suppose I could go get one for research purposes. While I'm there I could also research massages. I think we're on to something]

6.) P.P. will like this one "The incredible edible egg." Maybe a recipe of the month club. [Prepo has six kids. She knows WAY more about ova than I do]

7.) A study on belly button lint. [I already spend too much time navel-gazing]

8.) You can do surveys, topics can include marriage, children (nah), thoughts on world domination, etc. [Possibilities]

9.) World domination. [Definitely not. If I start talking about this I may say too much and tip my hand. I don't want the world to know my plans until it's too late to stop me]

10.) Worshiping Malicious Intent. [We're still not worthy]

Tequila suggested an in-depth examination of ninjas vs pirates.. their merits, who would win in a fight, etc...[This is a very broad and deep topic. I could do a college course on this. In order for it to be parsed down to a blog topic we would have to look at all the variables (how many pirates?, how many ninja?, are they evenly matched?, on sea?, on land?, can the pirates use cannon and firearms?). The analysis would have to be limited to certain defined parameters]

Hungry Mother pointed out that the college football season is over, and thinks I should blog about college basketball. [I know even less about college basketball than I do about college football. I'm a theater guy. I like hanging out with hot girls not sweaty, smelly macho guys. Still, I guess I could approach it from the perspective of a guy that doesn't do sports. HM probably wouldn't like it though.]

So I guess I have some ideas now. I'll be happy to entertain additional suggestions while I contemplate these. Thanks!

We Regret to Inform You That On the Twelfth Day of Christmas...

January 5, 1973


This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.



Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender, & Chole



---------------------------

And so it ends. Crap, now I have to think of something to blog about. Well, between today and Monday maybe I'll have an epiphany. AH HAHA! Get it? Epiphany? Between today and Monday? Tomorrow's the Epiph...ah hell, never mind.

ELEVEN!

January 4, 1973

Listen Fuckhead: What is wrong with you??? ELEVEN lords? They're leaping all over the milking maids and the slut ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled and/or squashed to death in the orgy. The smell of decaying poulty hangs in the air and all my furniture is covered in feathers. I hope you're satisfied you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

Day TEN...

January 3, 1973

You rotten prick: Now I've got 10 ladies dancing in my living room. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've all got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpeonaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you!

Agnes

Day Nine...

January 2, 1973

Hey Shithead: What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What the hell am I supposed to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours. Agnes

And on the Eighth Day...It Was a New Year

Happy New Year Everyone!

I hope that everyone had a safe and fun New Year's Eve. I am looking forward to what I hope will be a wonderful year for all of us.

---------------------------

January 1, 1973

OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 milking maids? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 friggin milking maids, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me smartass.

Agnes