Friday, March 28, 2008

This and That

Just a few odds and ends today.

Good old American ingenuity. This may very well be the best invention I've seen in a long time. A bar in Atlanta has installed self-service beer taps at their tables. How freakin' cool is that? The system meters the beer and you pay by the ounce. It cuts off when it reaches a preset amount and the staff has to evaluate the situation to determine whether to turn it back on (with a large group, for instance). They have a variety of beer but only two taps per table and if you want a specific brand you have to reserve a table in advance. One of the only drawbacks I can see at the moment is that without bartender involvement you can end up getting charged for foam but let's see how it plays out. About the only way this could get better is if the utility company would run a beer line along side the water line into my house. Maybe this is something the cable company could get into - "On Demand" movies and "On Demand" beer! Sign me up.

On a different note. I use Google's Gmail for my email accounts. Overall I'm pretty pleased with it. One thing that they seem to do well is intercept Spam and direct it to a Spam folder pretty reliably and accurately. The stuff that goes into that folder is almost always Spam and very little gets through to my Inbox. I periodically check the Spam folder just to make sure I didn't miss anything and then routinely flush the contents down the cyber toilet where it belongs. For some reason the subjects of those junk messages are generally restricted to just a few categories: Imitation Rolex watches, Vitamins and other discount drugs, and Male Enhancement products. Normally I scan down the list, hit "select all", then "delete for eternity". A couple of weeks ago one of the subject lines caught my eye and confused and amused me to the point that I saved it. Since then I've been reading a little more carefully and saving others ('cause, you know, I needed something to blog about) and now I thought I'd share (I saved them with the intention of sharing but I wanted it to sound impromptu (and I wanted to use the word "impromptu")).

"Release the fire in your crotch" At first I thought this was for male enhancement but then I realized it's probably for some sort of pharmaceutical ointment. Ouch.

"Girlfriends are dreaming about big dummy" I don't really know what the hell this means but it struck me a funny.

"Enormous cucumber is your wealth" Obviously this one is for a fortune telling service. They're good too because somehow they knew that my wife and I are starting a garden and they're telling me about my cash crop. I better pick up some Miracle Grow.

"Enormous bell-rope is a dream of every girl" Clearly this is a religious reference and is speaking of the bells in a cathedral. What girl doesn't dream of those huge strikers moving back and forth, vibrating the walls, powerfully shaking the Earth, causing her heart to race, taking her breath away and making her feel close to God? Is it no wonder that Esmeralda could see past Quasimodo's outward appearance once she realized how he could work that rope?

"10 new ways to caress breasts" 1o NEW ways?! Ten?! Christ there are only two breasts. And I'm still working on the old ways.

"I entered her secret garden" Yeah, I had to enter her secret garden because I'm a stalker and she had a restraining order. Then I was attacked by her huge friggin' Rottweiler and while I was running she shot at me with the biggest damn handgun I ever saw. If only I had seen the "Forget the Dog, Beware of Owner" sign on the entrance to her secret garden.

"Rejoice in your new found girth" Okay, at first I thought this wasn't spam and that a friend was trying to make me feel better. I mean, it had to be from someone that knew me. Someone who has noticed that I've put on weight and that my belt is straining as I stubbornly refuse to let it out to the next notch. A friend who was telling me to be me and be happy with myself and to go ahead and scarf down another handful of Easter candy. That's what they meant, right?

And now for my favorite. This is the one I originally saved...

"Behind every great man lies a huge secret in his pants." How about that for a mental picture? What the fuck are they trying to sell? Adult diapers? What, to be a great man you have to be incontinent? You can control world events. Just not your bowels. Hey, you can't have everything. We all know that our politicians and leaders are full of shite but this puts a whole new spin on things.

Sorry folks. I hear or read a line and I go where the though takes me. Sometimes it's an interesting little stroll.

Have a great weekend!


Hungry Mother said...

Good stuff! Thanks for the impromptu sharing.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Thanks HM. Hope you have a good weekend. Gonna do any paddling?

Malach the Merciless said...

You should see the garbage I get.

Liza said...

I'll take one of those beer taps in my kitchen too. The best would be if you could switch out beers as you found new ones you liked.

Mike said...

Many years ago I was in a bar in South Korea and they would just send over a bottle to your table and you had your own waitress to pour your drink, put in fresh ice and mixer as necessary. They had a mark on the bottle when you started and marked it again when you were finished and charged you by the amount you drank. I thought this was an excellent system and having your own waitress wasn't too shabby either.

Glad to see you get all those "enlarge your member" emails too. I was starting to feel like maybe I had a problem or something.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i thought enormous cucumber is your wealth was referring to using dick enhancer products and then doing porn. my bad.

Kitty said...

I haven't had any emails offering to double the size of my penis, for some time. Obviously my spam filter is getting better - or someone has finally realised I don't have a penis.


Bruce, a work in progress said...

Mal, I can imagine. What does spam fro outer space look like?

Liza I would love to have one of those. There are drawbacks to the system I think but I think the positives outweigh them.

Mike sounds like a workable system to me. I don't know if you have them around you but there is a restaurant chain called Macaroni Grill in Florida and here in Maryland. They do something similar with wine. They bring a big old bottle to the table and put you on the honor system. You tally the number of glasses you drink and tell them when it's time to pay the check. They also give you these big water glass sized wine glasses.
No, I get those emails too. If I see one for a home catheterization (sp?) kit I'll let you know.

TM I swear girl, what are we going to do with you. What are you doing leaving comments on my blog at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon? Hello! Happy Hour!

And Kitty we are all so very delighted that you don't - larger or small. They never seem to use the "P" word. They always speak euphamistically. If you every get one that offers to increase the size of your monkey...just assume they're talking about one of your sock creatures.

Malicious Intent said...

I am constantly getting those penis emails. I keep telling them I don't have one, but they insist I can grow one. I already have multiple personality disorder issues, if I had a penis and a vagina....I would be so confused, and so would my husband! They are just beating a dead horse!

Have I mentioned how happy I am that it is finally FRIDAY!

Luke, we got some WD discussions to have. Set up a confernence call for the southern region. I want my own private island in the spring.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

MI, you need to relax. I think Leia needs a little R&R. Maybe burning through some Imperial Stormtroopers with a chainsaw would do the trick?

Biscuit said...

I'm thinking the secret in the pants is your new found girth, which she will gladly welcome into her secret garden. C'mon! Release the fire in your crotch and give her that big cucumber while you fondle her breasts in surprising new ways! You big dummy ;)

Ok, I couldn't figure out how to work the bell-rope in there...

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Wow, thanks Biscuit for clearing that up. I understand completely now. OMG! Look at the time, it's past noon. I'm late for pulling my bell rope!

Malicious Intent said...

I know I need to relax, why do you think I want my own private island???? Is that asking to much? I only need a staff of 50, personal chef, a jet, yacht, and housing for 30. (Just in case I get lonely.) Oh and all of that home theatre and stereo stuff. And a tiki bar and a cabana boy named Thor. Ok?

Oh, and my chainsaw.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i have one of those pesky jobs that require me to be at work sometimes. i know, i agree, it sucks.

meggie said...

Thanks for the howls of laughter!!